A rarer contemperaneous writing.
Soon after wakeup, day 2 of demyst. A now familiar, somewhat uncomfortable feeling in the stomach, the sign of some discomfort. Of what exactly? I try to think. One of the toughest parts of the last year was a kind of isolation. I had many small victories, many beautiful moments, but these were most often alone. All the joy in running my home trails....all alone. I think of my ideas for my village, what my host PCV has accomplished, how excited he has been to share some things with us, his big smile at the maccaroni and cheese he made last night, his giddiness at me playing Waving Flags. Besides reflecting the great joy such simple things can bring someone who has been in the bush for two years, for me also it reflects how much of an isolation this experience will be. There will be so many little successes, and I will, for two more years, have to celebrate these on my own...or by writing them here...to be posted at some undetermined date in the future. The last year, too many times, the little successes were often and even quickly, overwhelemed by another immenent stress or frustration or the ovewhelmed by the background stressors. I fear the situation could be similar here.
I think also this morning, how this will be very difficult. The day after I got the invitation, I woke up like normal, but after a few moments, I remembered the phone call of the day before, and I got acutely nausous for a few moments and intesely wished the cup would pass me by. Upon further reflection at the time, my main worry was not necessarily the 27 months, but the need to learn French and the need to learn French in the next five weeks, which would take away from my time of personal organization and more importantly to me that morning, the time I spent with my family in the final few weeks I was home. I was very resentful for some time around then at having the additional French requirement. Why do things always need to be more difficult for me, I bemoaned weakily? But, now, I am reaping the benifits of this work, though no one in my family take made the sacrifice of less time with me will be around to share my successes. Did I mention I was told my French was "so good" on the first night with my family that I needed to be careful not to use it as a crutch? Hilarious. Or how my language classmates were in disbelief that I had only started thsi summer? It's really not that great, but I've put myself where I wanted to be, middle of the pack.
I digressed...I need to stop making salient the anticipatory anxiety. But I wonder if it would have been easier if I had come right out of school. The last year gave me a chance to dig some more roots down at home. Before the year, I did not really think much of "home" besides my family. But now, there are many little things about the PLACE as well as the people that, by there absence, make current life feel a bit off. I assume this homesicknesses, I believe this would be the fair term, will fade...as I assume my Zarma will improve.
Some things have changed already. Did I mention yesterday how I read Mountains Beyond Mountains differently? Before I would read it and be filled with excitement, inspiration...many moments would give me goosebumps. Now I read it guardedly. Still inspiring, but now less an epic and more a protocol. I read it with some sadness; I am not sure I can do any or all of that. The stories make the events seem so...maneagable, the conclusions even sometimes forgone. But, with my own adventure before me, all that will have to be done and all I will have to do does not seem simple, manegable, or at all forgone...and sometimes it seems impossible.
So far, I woudl say opposite the excitement and joy on the Peace Corps roller coaster is doubt. Perhaps some despair, but mainly doubt is the psychological stress I feel most.
..............................
19:00
Dynamite afternoon. We played some frisbee with some village kids, took a walk around the bush (I thought calling the rural areas the bush was a Holleywood stereotype, but it's actually called teh bush). For the millionth time, I felt myself thinking "So this is Africa", but this time it was gentler, since I was absorbing the landscape, sometimes irreguarly marked by cell phone towers in the distance or the power lines that run right by the village but provide no power for it.
This morning, I saw more of the gardens, we picked some stuff to feed our hosts' sheep. Learning about the plants, about the crops, walking trough the bush talking about what exactly is going on here, what our role is, how we can help, how we should help, hoping to get lucky and see a girafe. To see how my host, who will return home in a year, handles himself both in what he says, in how he interacts with the villages...I think it's very impressive. After walking around, we came upon some women set up to build a "cook stove". Just clay made into a bowl shape (outside) inside which the wood can be burned to heat the pot placed on top (this a solid improvement over the usual stategy of balancing the pot on three rocks). Our host jumped into action, and in a few minutes, we had built the cook stove. Then we did another one. He knows so much, and it has been extremely rewarding to spend some time with him. I wish we had another week or so later in training when we could spend a few days with different volunteers. Brainstorm, evaluate what has worked, waht hasn't.
All of this, very exciting, but also calming, to me. I feel better into the rhythm already. I DO hope I get a more rural posting, such as this one. Being in the "city" woudl not exactly fulfill my dream, but the unexpected is part of the package.
Quick note: amazing suprise, last night we made mac and cheese with pasta and melting cheese. Today, amazingly filling pancakes thsi morning, thanks to honey and peanut butter. Little things like this are such a power shot of momentum. If I haven't said so already, I'm eating real well here.
Also today, did a few pullups and hand stand pullups. Plan to restart come running and cals when back to training. Running through the bush, exploring at its core, and maintaining physical strength call to strongly to me.
Also had my first little bit of feeling sick: Just a little smidge of diarrha (how the hell does one spell that?). I haven't said anything because I didn't want to jinx it, but I've been perfectly healthy until today.
So much happens, so many ideas flying, so much thinking....hard to keep up. A real disclaimer should be that you see only a window into this life that will soon be mine here.
Cut my fabric friendship bracelets. I kept them after the manure last week, but after digging in clay today, they seem a disease waiting to happen. These were Ada's and the girls'. I will look for more sanitary replacements ASAP. The livestrong and Nyika's Uganda bracelet are still going strong. Not to mention a rubber band....because you never know when you're going to need one. Even in Africa.
True story, I am in Africa.
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