le 13 decembre

Forgotten notes from yesterday:
- redid my booca/room/house to get re-settled
- was super pumped to understand my little brothers swear at each other. I said something like "Ay faham sohon. Sannize lalo. A si boori" (I understand now. Bad word. It's not good). We had a good laugh at that.
- talked to a friend who was a different site (and others) who was mad sick over language immersion. Was feeling really proud because I took some meds without M.D. authorization hoping I did have bacteria and not amoebas or something else the antibiotic we have in our meds kit wouldn't treat and I got lucky and got better. Apparently, lots of people did this. So, I wasn't very clever to take the meds, nor was I exceedingly tough to endure a few days of nausea and discomfort. This on top of the fact that other groups accomplished (on paper at least) more than my group. And I am reminded yet again that I have done nothing special and that I am among some of the best of the best here in many regards.
- noted what seemed like twice as many cockroaches in my latrine last night. If I had to choose between lots of cockroaches and chickens randomly emerging from the latrine pit, I would probs choose the chickens

Today
- wokeup with the call to prayer and could not fall back to sleep. Excited/ nervous about today (seeing everyone again, lots to do and accomplish). Morning continued run of homesick morning. Continued into day.
- got a secutiry briefing from the Regional Security Officer at the embassy. Last night, baba said that Nigeriens like America. He said America gives money to Eng speaking countries in Africa, but France does not give money to Niger. I'm not sure if this is correct (the Eng speaking countries in Africa were Britich colonies...), but the point is, for whatever reason, Americans are well received here. I've heard this before and the RSO echoed this. Despite being dead last on the UN's HDI, it sounds like Niger is not the worst place in the world, or even in west Africa, to be a PCV (Peace Corps Volunteer). Oddly, talking bluntly about the security issues we still face here made me feel better, perhaps because it reminded me I am in Africa, which is what I wanted, and in for some real shit, for better or worse.
- we ordered a "welcome back" cake for lunch and i went back to an older idea and facilitated a group rendition of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" during lunch, which apparently worked very well even though I didn't know all the words. Apparently everyone else did, so everyone sang, and it was awesome. Talk about pressure to meet expectations- we've done at least a song a week since we've been here.
- super nervous right before my language interview. Did fine. Def better than last time, but still feel I forgot to work in all sorts of stuff. For example, now I know the word for what my baba does (guardiforey Sp?) and can even describe it in Zarma (Ay baba ga turinya wa nda borey kan ga ba ingey ma zay turinyey...My dad protects trees from people who want to steal them), but I totally forgot to work this in. I worked in the sweet word "Wiza" (which means "much to my suprise"), but it was highly contrived and poss not the right context. I forgot other cool words like banza, or random ones like kaaray (crocidile), which I could have worked in if I told the story about our visit to the Fulani kwaara better (we passed a pond that apparently has crocidiles...jam bambata). Just want to keep up with the top of the Zarma class. After the official interview, I had a great conversation in Zarma with a bunch of the teachers. Wish that could have been my interview.
- started to hatch our biggest, grandest shenanigan yet...stay tuned
- in general, felt homesick and anxious most of day. Getting anxious about moving to site and leaving all the resources and friends of training hundreds of kilometers and months away. Forced to comtemplate the two year commitment again and this is always very diffcult. Where was I two years ago...Christ, impossible to project that into the future.

Then I received two packages. I was expecting the empty bag, which will replace the ripped one with sits in storage, but I had two packages and dad had said last week to share some stuff, so I figured there was some candy or something. Instead I open up two packages that have hundreds of dollars worth of goods and pretty much everything and exactly what I had asked for in my several emails home about things I will need/ want. Indeed, they even sent me a Christmas tree. I was totally overwhelmed. Felt very guilty about asking people to spend lots of money on stuff and spend lots of money to get it over. (Today the security guy said how we're poor volunteers and then we got a receipt for the direct deposit of our move in allowance. We make, as PCV's, about the GDP...each month. We are not wanting.) Felt sad about missing family and missing holidays. Felt sad about not getting to spend more time with fam last year that was so stressful for me. Felt some better to have all these new toys, feeling I will really be able to settle in, set up major camp in my home when I move in in a few weeks. Felt pressure, with all the support I receive from everyone, to excel and succeed. Like I said in my very first post, if I fail, it will not be due to dearth of support. I felt stupid for going over my list over the weekend and sending another email home with a new, updated, and organized list. Just about everything, even things that were only tangental or I figured were to much of a big items to deal with now, were in those two boxes. At some point, soon after opening the packages, I let myself escape to a far corner of the compound and cry, the first time here, surely partly a build up of the "difficult" last week. so far removed from the begining, I had forgotten the terror of acclimation. It is my turn now to again endure the new start. I have to trust that in a few weeks, months, or after a year, I wil be as settled here as I was at Swarthmore. I thought about how I many times get used to things coming easily when they are going all, and that things, least of all Peace Corps, will often not come easily. I was confused to see Cassie and the family so dirstraught when we dropped her off at school;  I wanted to call home to let everyone know I got the packages, and sorry for resending all the info, since obviously (without me knowing) everyone had paid attention and taken on a lot of hassle to get these things to me. Felt like a wuss for asking and getting things. We have a trainee who already did Peace Corps once; he finished his first post and came here. He doesn't pack much ever, doesn't need much, doesn't get packgages (at least not yet). Compared to him, I look like Paris Hilton. I borrowed a friend's phone and paid him for the air time and put in calls to home (no luck), dad's cell (no luck), Aunt Jayne (bad connection or something), fighting back tears with each call, before finally getting through Nunnie. It was super great to talk to her. It reminded me kinda of why I am here, that I haven't disappeared forever, just for a few years to, essentially, do a job. I'm glad I didn't get a cell phone earlier because when we get cell phones from the Peace Corps, I will have a new toy tht I hope will ease the adjustment into my site. Not being able to call when I want makes me feel super isolated, and while some of this is part of it, there is no need to make this harder when it is. I will probs be making lots of calls to family and friends home during those lonely first three months at post, when my language skills will be at their worst and the village its most foreign. Fonda fakaray (greetings on the chat...said after conversing with someone to thank them for talking, say goodbye) to Nunnie for the morale boost. It was really good to talk to her.

Bambata (this means very big) thanks to my family, and to the Nunnie, Aunt Jayne, and Uncle Jimmy families for the huge Christmas suprise.

Walked home with a friend feeling much better. Had a good dinner with my baba and his cousins again. It's really good Zarma practice. Got a huge laugh for dropping the "My stomach is not a donkey" line to convey being full. My baba said I'm learning Zarma the quickest of any of the four volunteers he hosted before me (sorry peeps if you randomly find this blog and decide to read it!) Again, I'm building up a lot of potential. I will leave PST my head filling with Zarma. I will have a full house of gadgets and tricks. I will have had a million ideas for stuff to do. It's a very scary prospect that I have to turn all this stuff into a dynamite project like nothing I have ever done before. Scary as hell.

My little host brothers were studying French stuff when I came home. I found the material of the 7 year old, the one who ran with me, to be my level. I will have to remember this when I visit schools in my village.


I have not...
- done our song. Got moved to next Mon. Jam (darn)
- opened much of the stuff. Going to try to be patient and save it for moving to post or even when I need it. Opened the headlamp, which is totally sweet with its red light. When I journal tonight, I won't be blinded by the reflection of bright white light off the white page.
- studied. Didn't know what to do with myself during all the free time in between stuff we had today. Felt I should study like I did during lang immersion but couldn't bring myself to do it. I need to find the time because I think it's a big reason why I improved so over lang immersion, but tried to justify taking the day. Very hard to find the time to study here without turning my back on friends, my host family, other more dynamic activities like shenanigans or playing soccer. A familiar dilemma.
- showered (planned to shower at site, didn't happen), shaved (planned to shower at site, didn't happen)