Woke up tired. That feeling off...couldn't label it until later. Worried about faux pas with dinner food brought from magarie last night. So, last night, I had cereal. Then made pasta...then people brought me food. Ate some pasta. Ate some of their food. Or visa versa. And was embarrased to have this extra food. Hid it in a bag and then discreetly discarded it this morning. What an idiot. I had already leanred that giving extra food to neighbors is a great way to get on people's good side. Really blew it.
Ran to edge of coolest looking mesa. What an awesome view. Did not entirely cut through my feeling...Thought, again, that it would be way more fun to share. Now, I think, even with the village kids, like when we ran through the gully yesterday.
Want house set up.
Met with magarie in the ville less than 1k from my ville. Why it is a separate ville I have no idea. We talked for an hour or two, and I really enjoyed it. One on one, with him talking slowly and me asking him to repeat, I get almost everything. I told the kids to be quiet when it was hard to concentrate. If I lose focus for a few minutes, I get lost. He seemed really cool. He talkeda about how America is rich because people eat until they're full and people can wear nice, clean clothes and people can wash with soap. He said in Niger people don't get educated, so they work but can gain no money. He said sometimes people go to school in the city, but then don't come back. I think. If he did say that, it's interesting because another PCV had said, regarding that very situation, "who can blame them?" He said more, and I'm overemphasizing these points by vitrue of me remembering them now, but I enjoyed it.
Put a label on that "off" feeling...uncomfortable. On the defensive. Don't like it.
In my room, very overwhelmed. What to do? A million things, it seems to do (clean walls, where to put tables, could I find something to cauk the holes before I paint even if I wanted to, how to string clothes up, can the walls take a nail...)
At some point, kids were coming up to my door. It makes me so uncomfortable to have people poking in, looking in. I told some to leave, say salem aleykum, and come back in. Some kids were just standing inside the "door" while I was putting up clothes line, and I told them to leave, that I would come out to play, but no one INSIDE my concession. This really tears me up. I just gave a goddamn speech empahsizing the importance of kids, and indeed they have been my best friend here, but it drives me crazy when I have no personal space or time. I can't think. Just spin in circles. Feel a spotlight is on me. This is the "fishbowl" effect no? Was I not warned of this. I'm quite a novelty, I need to give them a break. Wished I hadn't snapped some. Holding on too tight. Very hard to "let the children come" whole heartedly.
Left, settled on a bench with kids around. Decided to show pics from home. As I was about to reveal them, the magarie called me in. He told me any or all of the following: 1) be careful of donkeys 2) don't run through town (also something about donkeys?) 3) don't associate with kids so much, adults will help me learn Zarma, etc. 4) I should go rest in my concession. Wtf??! Tried to clarify with his kids numerous times. Still mad confused. Went back to my concession. Felt some a prisoner in my own concession. Did not know what to do, worried I had made a mistake, done something wrong, even though I asked and they said no. Got what I wished for, no kids, right? I love kids. Just not in my concession. Would be very upset if I was "dissalowed" from hanging out with kids. Feel so much pressure to get things right, to "set the stage" right for my work to come, from the walks aroudn town to how I set up my room to NOT making mistakes...when I'm generally so confused. Could use an adult friend STAT. I let myself read the Christmas letters from home, a bad idea, but that's where I was, and let myself cry (#2).
Read one letter from my stage. A perfectly written uplifting letter from one of my closest friends. He's talking about a me that seems, at times like this, so far away. I feel paralyzed my indecision or confusion. Although it can't cut through exactly, I tape it up above my door. My plan is to open one a day. That will help me through the first month. I tried to make some moves; hung the two flags on a wall. May not be the right move, but I made it. Did something.
Confidence shaken. Tried to push it, go out, then rebuked. Wha?
Then total redemption:
Showed pics from home to some kids. Went to sit and talk with some men (not kids). Older kid invited me to come with him to the river on his how turko (cow cart). He let me drive it down! Not as hard as it looks, at least when you go mad slow. He took it through the edge of the gully section. At the river, a dog came. People hate dogs here. I'm not a pet person, but I don't get their hatred. People pull me back to protect me. Then the dog comes back, tries to bite a woman, she drops all the stuff she has on her head and runs away. People are yelling, all excited. Kids are picking up sticks and rocks. People are montioning me farther back, behind a cart to protect me. The dog tries to bite a donkey on the tail, the donkey tries to kick it. The dog leaves. I hop on the cow cart and the boy drives it up. Kids walk alongside the two carts headed up to town, everyone is yelling and talking excitedly. Kids pick up two rocks each. I want to jump out and pick up some rocks, start a war party, but decide not to look like an idiot. We pull through town, the kids are Paul Revere-ing it up, yelling about the dog to everyone. On the way down, I have a true smile that these adventues are exactly what I signed up for. Decide I need to spend LESS time in the house, which just makes me stressful (feel I should be out, feel I'm not getting the private time I want).
Then, some dudes walk me to my concession, and add another wall to my bathoom wall. It's higher and cannot be seen through at all. This is cool. One little thing that hadn't been QUITE right, fixed. The other side will be brought tomorrow. I ask if we can raise the walls all around, so kids can peep in, so I can stand up and not be seen. They say yes. Talk about replacing the sheets I hung with "dala", this woven straw stuff that is real legit to keep the sun out of my shade hangar. How nice of them! My ville is really awesome. I was proud to show off the little changes I've made already. The flags. The sheets. Need to give myself a break. Two years a long time to settle in. Don't need to finish the house in two days.
Start to make some food, some little things around house. Wash for first time in ville. After afternoon cry and wash, I feel clean. Some accompished. Room seems to be putting itself together.
Same food problem. I make maka, they bring me food. I solve it correctly this time. Eat my mac and cheese, eat some of their food. Save some for breakfast. Give the rest to my neighbors. Live and learn.
Talk to Kay. Am I really in Africa? The phone shrinks the world. Am I using it too much? Too little?
Say I will drop off the pot in A.M. to magarie. Jam. Another A.M. meeting. Have some kind of plan for tomorrow. See how it goes.
At night, you can see the lights of Niamey. I feel kinda bush, but can see the biggest city in the country. Not that bush at all. Nothing like Maradi or Zinder I imagine. The stars are so bright at night though. Tempted to move bed out of shade hangar so I can see, but fear the morning sun.
Day 2.
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